(Prologue: I’ve got first-hand experience that a real understanding of the laws of karma can substantially change our lives for the better. I created this weblog to share information and personal experience with others. May it be of benefit!)

I don’t know why I can’t listen to the whole book-on-tape from beginning to end. Jeffrey Archer is one of my favourite authors. And his book A Prisoner of Birth — given my interest in the nature of karma and “mistaken identity” — is certainly right up my alley. But I can’t get beyond the first CD. I’m a prisoner of my habitual pattern of fear.

Seems I’ve downloaded a habitual pattern that is so imprinted on my consciousness that, even knowing the ending, my fear prevented my moving beyond the beginning and the end! I am frightened of the details of the plot.

The beginning of the story — an innocent person convicted of a serious crime he didn’t committ — triggers my own anger, fear and a sense of  powerlessness. I become frightened for the main character. So frightened that I cannot listen to the rest of the CDs in order to learn the whole story.

So I go to the last CD to hear the end of the story. Am reassured by the “happy ending.” But I find I still cannot listen to the rest of the CDs.  So I get a hard copy of the book. I reason that maybe if I play the disks and simultaneously read-along, I’ll be able to cut through the fear and get the “meat” of the story.

Didn’t work. Can’t get beyond my fear. I want to ignore the details of the story, the plot, in other words, I try to ignore the “middle” part – between the beginning and the end – of the story. But I’m not prepared to give up. I listen to the CDs in reverse order: number 13 (the end) first, then number 12 and so on. But I give up on that. I still do not know all the details of the story.

What’s going on here? All I know is that the story triggers a very solid pattern of mine, a pattern I seem unable to cut through. Contact with this story is downloading my habitual fear.

The only thing I understand is that my ego has solidified itself vis-a-vis the story. Ego has made a sharp distinction between self and other: Ttere’s me. And there’s the characters in the story. I can’t seem to bridge the gap, the duality, I’ve created.

Let’s deconstruct this pattern of fear.

1. Enter the story, don’t know the details, just that someone is convicted of a serious crime that he didn’t commit; no reference point, freeze, go numb, heightened self-consciousness
2. Can’t stay at the beginning, but afraid to listen to anymore of the story. But I must do something. There is an impulse to find a landing spot, vision narrows to find a reference point. So I listen to the ending of the story before reading the middle.
3. Have now learned the ending of the story, but am still afraid to learn the details in between the beginning and the end.
   
4. I move between compulsion to avoid these details. and feeling  reassured because I know the ending. The “bad guys” are brought to justice. Feel fortified, empowered, to at least try to learn the details of the plot.
   
5. Survey the situation, look for a way to move beyond fear and into the “meat” of the story itself.
6. I make contact with the story again (i.e. try to listen to the rest of the CDs). But the feeling of fear keeps arising, despite the fact that I know the ending of the story.
7. Still frightened to learn the details of the story.
8. But also have desire to engage the characters, irresistable impulse.
9. Mind is fixated on how to approach the details, can’t ignore them, already caught.
10. I come up with the idea to listen to the CDs in backwards order!
11. Get to know the details, give birth to a relationship between myself and the plot and characters.
12. Focus starts to flag, diffuse, interuppted, reference point dies.

And back to #1 again

1. Enter the story, don’t know the details, just that someone is convicted of a serious crime that he didn’t commit; I’m frightened. I can’t find a reference point, freeze, go numb, heightened self-consciousness.
2. Can’t stay at the beginning, but afraid to listen to anymore of the story. But I must do something. There is an impulse to find a landing spot, vision narrows to find a reference point. So I listen to the ending of the story before reading the middle………………
   …………………..
   ………………….

In a future post, we will look at how we can work with this fear. Here’s a preview:

That mind of fearfulness
Should be placed in the cradle of loving kindness (Shambhala text)

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